My husband and I were having a discussion this weekend. There are many times when my husband will ask me something rhetorical just to see my response. Then he will answer it as well.
This weekend the issue came up about our past lives and what is going on with us now. I have told my husband pretty much everything there is to tell about my previous marriage. There are still issues going on that need resolutions and I am finding it difficult. My husband does not want to know much more about what is going on because it is stressful and frustrating. So anything that happens, I just keep it to myself and talk to my friend.
My husband has had two previous marriages that were very short lived. He has been in the navy and in the marines as a corpsman. Needless to say, what they say about navy men is very true. Especially when the man is as handsome as my husband. Also, knowing the culture and attitudes of both Canada and the US, I can just imagine what went on in his past.
I told my husband that there are things I won’t discuss with him. But they are pretty much everything that he already knows. I just won’t update him. Then he said there are things he won’t talk about to me.
I just sat there and thought out loud. So is it better for me to know about it or not? I am a writer so my imagination can take me places that would probably be far worse than what is real. Although, if I would know, it would eat at me. Could I think it through and then let it go?
This is a very difficult question to answer for anyone. Would you rather know or not? There are many times that people have questioned when they have found out that someone is cheating on their spouse. Do you tell the spouse that is being cheated on, or not? There have been television shows and movies about this issue. There have not been any good answers.
We are not just talking about spouses who cheat. It could be any number of issues. Would you want to know? For me, I really do need to know. Like I said, I have an over active imagination. I can be melodramatic but it is the way I am and with all the things I am going through, I think I deserve some slack.
I see as knowing what is going on as being honest with your partner. A spouse knows when something is not quite right with their partner. If you are truly in love, then there shouldn’t be any secrets. Whatever happened in the past, can be resolved, especially if it was against the partner. Or I should say, it needs to be recognized, resolved, apologized and forgiveness needs to happen. Otherwise, keeping secrets from your partner just festers. What other secrets are you willing to hold against your partner? If it was in the past and not against your partner, then your partner has a right to know.
There needs to be total honesty in relationships. If you can’t be honest with the person you love the most in the world, what kind of a relationship is that? Jesus hears and sees and knows everything. You can’t hide anything from Him. You need to be totally honest with him. And so it holds for the person you are bound to in marriage. Marriage is sacrosanct. It is what God intended for us.
It has been one year that Bill and I have been married. One year since we said for better for worse. In sickness and in health. Until death do us part.
It has been a very difficult year for the two of us. One week before our wedding I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then two months later, Bill fell and had two hemorrhages on the brain. He was hospitalized for one and a half weeks. He was told to stay at home for two months and grow a beard. Which he did. It is a beautiful beard.
Through it all, my love has grown deeper for this man. My love for him leaves me breathless. I feel my love for him like a thread that weaves its way around me. All of me. Into my heart and around my soul. I dream about him. I think about him every second of every day. We found each other late in life but Bill is a blessing to me. God has granted us this time together.
And yet. Things are not perfect. I dream too much. I think too much. I think about my past and all the mistakes I made. I think about Bill’s past and all the women he has known. Bill is a handsome man with charisma. Then, stupidly, I think about what if we had met when we were younger? I keep imagining that Bill would have glanced at me, briefly, and walked past me. I imagine I would have fallen head over heels in love with the man. And then been crushed as he walked past me. His blonde hair, his stunning blue eyes would have captured my heart and not let go. Why do I do this to myself?
I tell myself that I am a creative person and I am a writer. That is how I get myself into trouble. My imagination just does not stop going. It is better than the Eveready battery. That is how I am able to write stories. My stupid imagination gets me into trouble so much. So I waste time crying over the past and my mistakes and faults. I see myself as imperfect, not good enough for a man like Bill. I would like to kick my imagination in the butt and out the door. Yet, if it wasn’t for my imagination, I would not be able to come up with the stories I write and God would get less frustrated with me. I think I am giving God a good run.
Head over heels in love. That is me. I look at Bill and wonder what he sees in me. And then I thank God that Bill is in my life and that he loves me. At times I am torn. I finally deserve Bill and then, because of my faults and mistakes, I don’t deserve him.
For better for worse. For richer for poorer. Well, I think Bill and I have pretty much covered those. Until death do us part. But I pray to God that, should I die first, I must watch over Bill. I need to be with him until the end of time. Forever. I want to be able to greet him when he joins me in heaven. I would give my life for Bill, as I would for my children and grandchildren. Such is my love for this wonderful man.
2017 – I hope a year like this doesn’t happen again. I shouldn’t say that because my daughter and I both got married to the most wonderful men. My year started off fairly normally. Except, I was tired of the travel back and forth from Reidsville to Charlotte.
Move closer to Charlotte, I thought. Buy a house and be closer to Bill, I thought. Be somewhere between Charlotte and Columbia where Bill has his office. Piece of cake, right? First I had to find a horse barn that had a good reputation and would be a good fit financially for my beautiful mare. Bill was overwhelmed that I had to find a good barn before I would consider where I would end up purchasing a house. We spent many weekends driving on back country roads and I spent many hours looking up horse barns on the internet.
I finally found a barn that was perfect for Gizmo and I. Only problem was that it was close to Fort Mill – close to Charlotte. Not anywhere close to Columbia. Another problem was that there really weren’t any great communities between Charlotte and Columbia. Bill and I ended up purchasing a bungalow – oh, right, ranch style house – in Indian Land which really has a Lancaster address. The community we purchased our house in is young and thriving.
While our house purchase was happening, people kept advising Bill that he and I should marry. It would make it so much easier with the house purchase and everything else. I would just look at Bill when he said this to me and shrug my shoulders. I had found the man of my dreams but had he found the woman of his?
Right around this time, Joe Bahemuka, Veronika’s boyfriend proposed to her before he had to leave for South Sudan. Joe had accepted a position with the UN to work in South Sudan to set up food and health programs for this newly developing country. I could look forward to a wedding.
Then, out of the blue, Bill calls me one day and told me that my father had given his blessing to us. So Bill proposed to me while I was driving. I accepted. Wait! What kind of a proposal was this? Bill ended up proposing to me three times before I told him that his proposal was good enough. His very good friend, Dee Dee, also shamed him into getting me an engagement ring since he hadn’t thought of purchasing something before the proposal. Seems like he wasn’t going to do anything like his previous two marriages. But no engagement ring? Bill was lucky that I did not want a typical diamond ring. I love pearls and a pearl ring with diamonds was exactly what I wanted.
Plans for our wedding were started. My son, Peter, was having two graduations at the end of May and June. One was for his Masters in Business and the other was from law school. We wanted to plan our wedding after that. And with Bill being in the navy and previously owning a yacht, I thought, wouldn’t it be perfect to have our wedding on a boat. Bill told me Lake Norman had a paddle wheel and we should drive up there to take a look. the wedding planner and I had a date booked and arrangements for our wedding before Bill could flutter his beautiful eyes. Bill kept mumbling, “I thought we were just going to look at the paddle wheel.”
We happily told our children about our wedding date when Veronika announced that she and Joe had set their wedding date. Bill and I were getting married June 24. Veronika and Joe set their date for May 21. Okay! I thought that the reason for the date was that Veronika would then be joining Joe in South Sudan until we were told that she was pregnant. Okay! Yippee! I was going to be a grandmother.
Veronika and Joe’s wedding was beautiful. I cried and was happy to see their happiness. Unfortunately, Joe could only get one week away from his work. Their time together was short but sweet. My oldest daughter is married!
Every year in April I dutifully do my mammogram. In previous years, I was always called back for abnormalities in my right breast. This year, I was called back for abnormalities in my left breast. Something was there. I went in for a biopsy. One week before my wedding, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
Bill and I did not plan on going on a honeymoon after our wedding. We thought with the purchase of a new house, our honeymoon and especially now with the breast cancer diagnosis, it could wait. With all the screening and tests, my decision to have a lumpectomy waited until August. Once my decision was made, the lumpectomy was performed. During the lumpectomy, two of four lymph nodes were diseased and my cancer was upgraded to Stage 2A.
Two nights after my lumpectomy, Bill fell in our house. We went to emergency only to discover that he had fractured his skull and had two hematomas. Thank goodness I was sitting. I was still recovering from my lumpectomy and now the horrible thought that Bill could have died from this injury. Bill spent three days in the hospital. He was released but that night he started vomiting and could not stop. We went back to emergency and he was admitted to the hospital where he stayed for one week.
Bill is recovering although this could very well take one year to finally be resolved. His short term memory is terrible. He suffers with balance issues although the balance is getting better. He has gone back to work. His headaches, fortunately, are not anything what they were like after the fall.
My chemo treatments started in September. The first drugs knocked me off my feet. The second drug is much better. I still tire easily and find I need to rest often. I am so tired of being tired. But there is an end in sight for me.
My very first grandchild, a girl, was born October 21st. Eliora Louise came into our lives at a robust 9.2 pounds with a very healthy set of lungs. I, unfortunately, am not advised to travel so I am waiting to meet my granddaughter Christmas day.
My son, Peter, his wife, Carol, my daughter, Veronika with Eliora and my youngest daughter, Natasha with her boyfriend, Darren will be arriving here on Christmas day. I am beyond excited and happy to have my children here with me. Bill has not spent Christmas with family for a long time. To have a house full of people who do not have indoor voices will be quite an adjustment for Bill. Bill knows how much this means to me and I think he is looking forward to a house full of vocal adults and a baby who is as stubborn as her mother.
As i make preparations for a house full of people, I wish everyone true blessings over this holiday season. Treating others with kindness and love is the most wonderful gift to receive. Always remember that we do not always know what others are going through or dealing with. Angry actions cannot be undone. Kindness will always be remembered and treasured. I am hoping for a healthy new year and good fortune for 2018. As Ellen DeGeneres says, Be kind to one another.
I think after all the decisions and events I have gone through since January, I seriously need time away. Let me think what has gone on in my life since the beginning of the year.
I have found this truly wonderful man who lived a fair distance from me. I made the decision to move closer to him as I was tired of the constant commute every weekend. It was also time to strike out on my own without my youngest daughter. But not only did I have to find a house for me, I needed to find a good barn for my horse.
The barn and then the house was found. Then this truly wonderful man decided to propose to me and move into this new house with me. Our wedding date was set for June 24th. Of this year. Wedding preparations. We decided to keep our wedding small but still, wedding preparations.
Then my oldest daughter got engaged. Wonderful! Fantastic. Except she announced that her wedding would be May 21. Of this year. Before my wedding. In Canada. Toronto, Ontario, Canada. She announced this to me after I had registered for a writer’s conference that was to begin May 21 and go until May 25.
Oh, and my son called to announce his graduations. Yes, two graduations. One on May 27 from his MBa program and the other one on June 11 from law school. I could only make one graduation, I told him. I asked him to ask his father which one he would be going to and I would go to the other one. Only my son called to let me know that his father would attend both. I picked May 27th.
I kept thinking, I will first concentrate on moving my horse to her new barn. That happened in April. Then concentrate on moving into the new house. That happened one week after I had my horse settled. Next I would concentrate on my daughter’s wedding and the travel to the wedding.
My daughter’s wedding was beautiful. It was rainy and cool that weekend but the wedding was beautiful and my daughter was gorgeous. My daughter and her husband are more or less settled, considering the fact that he is in South Sudan on a contract with Unicef until March of 2018. My daughter has chosen to stay in Canada for a while. We will see how long she can tolerate being apart from her new husband.
Next was the writer’s conference. Travelled there and back home in time to catch a flight to my son’s graduation. The graduation and time spent with my son and his wife was fantastic. We weren’t rushed or overwhelmed. Just spent time with my son and his wife.
Now I am back home and can finalize the details of my wedding. Air plane tickets have been purchased for my oldest daughter, my son and his wife. We have places for them all to stay and I am looking forward to the short time I can spend with them.
My fiancé and I are not going on a honeymoon right after our wedding. That can wait until later in the year. But July can’t come soon enough. If my youngest daughter announces her engagement, a wedding in the year 2020 sounds good to me.