Love

Love is the most sought after emotion for all of us. When we have it, we rejoice. When we don’t, it causes stress, heartache, depression, tears and so on.

I found true love with my husband, Bill. I cannot begin to describe the feelings I have for this man. He is everything to me. I feel so bonded, so close, so like – yes, I will say it – his soul mate. I feel I fit perfectly with him. He makes my heart swell and jump. He makes my blood rush. When I am not with him, I can feel his touch. I can smell his scent. I feel warmth and strength from him. I would do everything for him. I pray passionately for him. I would actually give up my life for him without a second thought. Should I leave this earth before him, I will wait for him.

My children and grandchildren are everything to me. They will always be my little girls and my little boy. I will never stop thinking about them. I will always pray for them. I pray for their health and their safety and their happiness. I will always worry about them and when something happens to them, I will try to rush to them to help them. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for them. If someone told me to make a choice between one child or another, or my husband or my children, or grandchildren, I would tell them to take me. There is no choice for me. I love them all equally. Passionately. Whole heartedly. All of my heart belongs to them. Every inch. Nothing is withheld. When I die, before them, I will be waiting for them.

If I can love these precious treasures like that, then just think about God’s love for us. Think about how much Jesus loves us. It isn’t just some of us. It isn’t just those that are the most special, or those who belong to a particular religious group, or ethnic group, or part of the world, or whether you are a good person or consider yourself a bad person. Jesus loves each and everyone of us. Always has and always will.

The Passion of the Christ is a movie I will never forget. I went to see it with my oldest daughter. I kept my coat held up to my face during the entire movie. Every time there was a scene which I just could not bear to see, I would pull my coat over my eyes. The movie focusses on the last twelve hours of Jesus’ life. This movie really made me aware of how Mary, his mother, must have felt. I could see, through her eyes, how she watched her son as he went through the trial, then the beatings, then carrying the cross and then finally being nailed to the cross.

Oh my God! I thought. I felt her pain. I felt her grief. As a mother, you want to do everything you can to protect your child. All she could do was watch. I wanted so much to go to the soldiers and the mocking people and do something. Did she know this was part of God’s plan? Did she know this would happen? How could she bear it?

As I watched Jesus carrying the cross, I kept thinking, Why? Why are you doing this? For us? We don’t deserve this. Look at what we are doing to you. Look at what is happening. How could we do this to you? Every Easter prior to this movie, I knew what had happened to him but until this movie, and actually seeing it, it changed so much for me. I sobbed through the rest of the movie. I couldn’t drive home, I was so overwhelmed with emotion.

This movie drove it home for me. Really made it clear about the love Jesus has for us. Jesus took a thief into Heaven with Him. He will do that for each and every one of us who asks. Jesus loves us so much that He took our sin onto Himself and died for us. Is there anyone who could do that? Do you understand how deep that love is? This love is something that will change you. You can’t and won’t be the same person when you accept that love. Jesus’ love has the power and strength to overcome everything and anything that comes your way. Without that love, you are not whole. Not the person you could be.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

What Does One Do?

It has been one year that Bill and I have been married. One year since we said for better for worse. In sickness and in health. Until death do us part.

It has been a very difficult year for the two of us. One week before our wedding I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Then two months later, Bill fell and had two hemorrhages on the brain. He was hospitalized for one and a half weeks. He was told to stay at home for two months and grow a beard. Which he did. It is a beautiful beard.

Through it all, my love has grown deeper for this man. My love for him leaves me breathless. I feel my love for him like a thread that weaves its way around me. All of me. Into my heart and around my soul. I dream about him. I think about him every second of every day. We found each other late in life but Bill is a blessing to me. God has granted us this time together.

And yet. Things are not perfect. I dream too much. I think too much. I think about my past and all the mistakes I made. I think about Bill’s past and all the women he has known. Bill is a handsome man with charisma. Then, stupidly, I think about what if we had met when we were younger? I keep imagining that Bill would have glanced at me, briefly, and walked past me. I imagine I would have fallen head over heels in love with the man. And then been crushed as he walked past me. His blonde hair, his stunning blue eyes would have captured my heart and not let go. Why do I do this to myself?

I tell myself that I am a creative person and I am a writer. That is how I get myself into trouble. My imagination just does not stop going. It is better than the Eveready battery. That is how I am able to write stories. My stupid imagination gets me into trouble so much. So I waste time crying over the past and my mistakes and faults. I see myself as imperfect, not good enough for a man like Bill. I would like to kick my imagination in the butt and out the door. Yet, if it wasn’t for my imagination, I would not be able to come up with the stories I write and God would get less frustrated with me. I think I am giving God a good run.

Head over heels in love. That is me. I look at Bill and wonder what he sees in me. And then I thank God that Bill is in my life and that he loves me. At times I am torn. I finally deserve Bill and then, because of my faults and mistakes, I don’t deserve him.

For better for worse. For richer for poorer. Well, I think Bill and I have pretty much covered those. Until death do us part. But I pray to God that, should I die first, I must watch over Bill. I need to be with him until the end of time. Forever. I want to be able to greet him when he joins me in heaven. I would give my life for Bill, as I would for my children and grandchildren. Such is my love for this wonderful man.

Fresh Beginnings

 

This is my fiance, Bill. The love of my life. My new beginning. A fresh start. Someone I will spend the rest of my life with. The man I will grow old with – okay, so we are already old but I want to grow older with him.

I separated in August of 2013 from my first husband. Our divorce became final in August of 2016. I met Bill in September of 2016. After many rough online dating scams and really not wonderful dates, I found Bill. I have heard from a number of young people how successful they were with the online dating thing. But not me. It seemed like there was a target attached to my picture and I seemed to attract all the eastern European con artists who just wanted to love me, never meet me, empty my wallet and run for their coffee shops.

I met Bill through It’s Just Lunch. They interviewed me, asked me how far I was willing to drive. Being from Canada and making twice yearly drives up to Ontario, I told them a 2 to 3 hour drive was not a problem.

It’s Just Lunch makes arrangements for you to meet your date for either lunch or dinner. You meet and the two of you decide if you want to continue meeting or not. They made arrangements for me to meet Bill in Charlotte at Dean and DeLucca for lunch on a Saturday. At the time, I did not know that I was supplied with a picture of Bill, He was not supplied with a picture of me.

Unfortunately, I had been suffering with an inner ear infection and when Saturday rolled around, I just was not feeling well. I was still feeling dizzy and thought that making a 2 hour car drive was not something I was up to. I called the It’s Just Lunch office but no one is there on a Saturday. I called Dean and DeLucca and left a voice message. Apparently Bill never got the message.

I called It’s Just Lunch on Monday and apologized profusely. They asked me if I would still like to meet Bill. I said I would. They told me they would call him and see if he felt the same way and then would call back. They called back to say we would meet the following Saturday.

To this day, Bill reminds me of how I stood him up. He wandered Dean and DeLucca for an hour. He kept watching all the women who came into the cafeteria area. But a lot of them were with someone else or were just shopping. He couldn’t approach any of them as he didn’t know what I looked like. He told me no woman had ever stood him up. He had to meet the one and only woman who had dared to stand him up. I am pretty proud of that.

We both have hurtful pasts but we support each other. We laugh together and do silly things together. We enjoy the same type of music. We enjoy the same types of activities. We enjoy each other’s company. And we are head over heels in love with each other. We are building a new house together. We will be getting married on June 24th. That will be the happiest day of my life. Even at my age, one can find love. Real love. A lasting love. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man and I can hardly wait.