Meet Krickett. At least that is what Bill has called my blonde wig. I have to ask him what the auburn wig’s name is.
I still have hair. But for the last three days, after I shower and I comb out my wet hair, there are strands of my hair in the comb. The first day was not so bad. The second day, a little more. When I brushed my hair last night, there was a lot of my hair in the brush.
This morning, after my shower, there was more hair in the comb. I piled it up and left it beside Bill’s sink. It doesn’t hurt as it is coming out. I looked at myself in the mirror. I haven’t really liked my hair. It has always been fine. I was told that there was a lot of it but it is fine. I don’t know why I haven’t liked my hair. We, as women, always wish we could have different hair.
I have been told that when my hair comes back, it will come back differently. So I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I will react when I see me with no hair. Bald. What will my skin look like? How will it feel? Even though I am trying not to let it bother me, I know it will bother me.
There is so much emotion wrapped into a woman’s hair. Men are more attracted to women with long hair. Hair that is long and free and blowing in the wind. You can hide behind your hair. It is a part of you. Rapunzel had tremendously long tresses. Medusa’s was made up of snakes. But still long. How many people take much time describing a woman’s short hair? Hair is sensuous and, so with it, a woman is sexy with flowing, long hair. How sexy is a bald woman?
I have already a slightly deformed breast with my lumpectomy and soon I will no longer have any hair. I am getting older and things are not holding up as well as they did when I was younger. And I just got married this year. So my self image has taken a dive. No matter how determined I am or how many times I am told I am beautiful, those words do not really register with the “I have a slightly dimpled scar on my breast and I will no longer have hair”.
It will take time to work through all the emotions. It will take a few good cries. But it is not easy. I wish people would remember that. Not quickly say, don’t worry, don’t stress. Let those of us who are going through this mourn the losses. Let us take our time. Just love us and say you can’t imagine but that you will try to understand.
I wonder about me, at times. Well, maybe all the time. I wonder about my faith. I wonder about me being a good person. I wonder where is God in all of this.
I pray but not every day. When I do pray, it is for everyone around me. I don’t pray for me. Even though I am now facing cancer, I still don’t pray for Jesus to cure me from this cancer. But I do pray that Jesus stays with me through all of this because I know I can’t do it without Him.
I seriously don’t think I have the right to ask Jesus to heal my cancer. I don’t think I have the right to ask that because I know God has a plan for me and do I have the right to alter that plan, whatever it may be? I don’t know. I struggle with this.
I pray for my friend who has just discovered she has multiple sclerosis. I pray that God is with her and helps her. I pray for my children and that God keeps them all healthy and safe. I am proud of all my children. They fill my heart with love. I pray that God keeps Bill safe and heals him. Bill has issues and he cannot handle them on his own. I did not think I could love a man as much as I love Bill.
I pray for all those who are hurting and sick. I pray for victims of disasters and storms. I pray for this world. I can’t believe how horrible we humans are to each other and animals. But when something evil happens, there are kind people who do not think of themselves and step out to help others. I am encouraged when I hear and see those reports.
My praying is sporadic. Not consistent. Not every day. Then I wonder if God hears me when I do pray. Some times it feels like He doesn’t. Although many people say that He doesn’t answer right away. His timing is perfect. Does it say that in the Bible? Where does it say that? I really struggle with that because there are times I have thought that God hates me. Why do I feel that? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Emotional. That is what I am. I go from being certain that I will beat this cancer and everything will be fine. Then the roller coaster of emotions takes me to the very bottom where I hear the whisper of I may die from this. I let myself ride the roller coaster because, at times, it is just so draining to fight it all the time.
I do feel blessed. I have so many friends that are praying for me and thinking of me. I cry when I think about all the people I love. I feel I don’t deserve it. I look at Bill and wonder how he could love me. But I know God is with me because every once in a while I will feel His hand on my shoulder. I feel that He is there and this fills me with determination. Whatever I have to face, I know I won’t be alone. Yes, I have my husband, children and friends who are with me. But in the deepest darkest moments, God is with me.