Still Have Hair – My Cancer Journey

Meet Krickett. At least that is what Bill has called my blonde wig. I have to ask him what the auburn wig’s name is.

I still have hair. But for the last three days, after I shower and I comb out my wet hair, there are strands of my hair in the comb. The first day was not so bad. The second day, a little more. When I brushed my hair last night, there was a lot of my hair in the brush.

This morning, after my shower, there was more hair in the comb. I piled it up and left it beside Bill’s sink. It doesn’t hurt as it is coming out. I looked at myself in the mirror. I haven’t really liked my hair. It has always been fine. I was told that there was a lot of it but it is fine. I don’t know why I haven’t liked my hair. We, as women, always wish we could have different hair.

I have been told that when my hair comes back, it will come back differently. So I look at myself in the mirror and wonder how I will react when I see me with no hair. Bald. What will my skin look like? How will it feel? Even though I am trying not to let it bother me, I know it will bother me.

There is so much emotion wrapped into a woman’s hair. Men are more attracted to women with long hair. Hair that is long and free and blowing in the wind. You can hide behind your hair. It is a part of you. Rapunzel had tremendously long tresses. Medusa’s was made up of snakes. But still long. How many people take much time describing a woman’s short hair?  Hair is sensuous and, so with it, a woman is sexy with flowing, long hair. How sexy is a bald woman?

I have already a slightly deformed breast with my lumpectomy and soon I will no longer have any hair. I am getting older and things are not holding up as well as they did when I was younger. And I just got married this year. So my self image has taken a dive. No matter how determined I am or how many times I am told I am beautiful, those words do not really register with the “I have a slightly dimpled scar on my breast and I will no longer have hair”.

It will take time to work through all the emotions. It will take a few good cries. But it is not easy. I wish people would remember that. Not quickly say, don’t worry, don’t stress. Let those of us who are going through this mourn the losses. Let us take our time. Just love us and say you can’t imagine but that you will try to understand.

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