Reflections

Now that I am a breast cancer survivor, whenever I think about that journey, I am startled. I am a survivor. It is done. It is over. But is it?

While I was going through the treatments, I just felt like I was at a distance. It felt like it was happening to someone else. Not me. I never once was upset or cried about the situation. Wait. I did cry. When I was losing my hair in the shower. I did cry then. But I took care of that when I had my head shaved.

For the most part, I was there but I was not there. It never occurred to me once that the cancer would kill me. It was just all so — not a part of me, almost. I had too much to live for. My beautiful children. My wonderful grandchildren that I wanted to cuddle, and hug, and love and kiss. My new husband who I adore. And my pets. Roscoe, Vesper, Krissy and Bojo. And Gizmo, my beautiful American quarterhorse mare.

Gizmo knew her mom was sick and she took care of me. I took care of her when she had foundered and there was a chance of losing her. But I never thought of that. I went to the barn every day and took care of her. I think that was when our bond became inseparable. I took care of her and then she took care of me. Wanting to take care of Gizmo and our cats and dog and my husband is what kept me going. Wanting to see my children and grandchildren kept me going and kept my thoughts away from the what ifs. I had the best health care team taking care of me and I put complete faith and trust into them. I was never scared.

But now my husband is going through a health concern that has me scared. I am trying to stay strong and hold it together for him. Thankfully the proper tests have been done and now we are just waiting for the results. But I am scared. I can’t lose this man. I am praying. I cannot lose this man. I am so in love with him. I never thought I would find a man I love this much.

I managed the cancer issue for myself. But what if? I can’t lose him. I just cannot lose this special, wonderful man. I will keep praying. Take me God. Not this wonderful man who has gone through so much.

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