I have sinned. I am a sinner. We are all sinners. Not a one of us is perfect. We have made mistakes. We have done things we regret. We wish the things we had done, we could have done differently.
But I was young and had scars. Scars that went deeper than I thought. No one to turn to. No one I could ask. Except God. And I have cried out to Him. But why does it hurt so much and why does it feel like God has turned His back on me? What have I done? Am I that bad?
Life has hit me so hard. At every turn, I have struggled. It feels like by myself. And I wonder what is happening? And why? I am not that strong. What lessons do I need to learn?
I am so busy thinking of others first. Helping others first. Realizing that I cannot live their lives. All I can do is love them. But I am not that strong and right now the burden is so heavy and I just don’t know what to do. I can’t take anymore Lord. I am breaking. Without Jesus with me, I just can’t do it. And I don’t know if He is there. I just can’t feel Him.
I am breaking. Slow tremors of pain running through me. Tears running down my cheeks. All I want is for all those I love to be safe. Happy. Healthy. And I feel powerless. Everything is spinning out of control.
Is prayer enough? I don’t feel that God is hearing my prayers. I feel He has turned his back on me because I am a disappointment. I have sinned. All I wanted is to be treated fairly and I did not start the fight. I just have to defend myself. But no one understands the pain and agony I went through to finally claw myself out for some shred of peace only to have to fight other battles. It is never ending. It continues.
And I just can’t do it any more. I am broken. I am in shattered pieces. But I know I will somehow pull myself forward. Try to pray to God who is not listening. Who does not hear me. Why do you hate me God?