Well I didn’t think this would happen. I thought I had it all together. I was being strong for my children. First, I lost my mother in September to a severe stroke and dementia. It was difficult making decisions with my father but I am so glad I was there with him. To help him with the decisions. My parents had been married for 62 years.
My ex-father-in-law was at the memorial for my mother. I cared for this man and knew that he was having a very difficult time with my ex-brother-in-law. My ex-father-in-law just did not want to live anymore and I could see that he would just stop living soon. A few weeks later, I was told by my children that he was in the hospital, refusing to eat or talk or try anything. He died shortly after that.
My children were devastated. First their grandmother and now their grandfather. I stayed strong for them. I did not have time to grieve. Then we had to say goodbye to our aging dog, Roscoe. He had gotten into some bushes and eaten the flowers. He was very sick. He recovered but not fully. His condition deteriorated to where he was throwing up and having bloody diarrhea every day. He couldn’t control his bowels and we were having him go out every hour and he would still have messes in the house. He lost over 9 lbs. in one week. It was such a hard thing to say goodbye because you always second guess yourself.
Now I am going through a very difficult personal situation. I am leaning on God but I am crumbling. Having to put up the Christmas tree and making Christmas cookies while listening to Christmas music finally brought it all to a boiling point.
It was like a huge wave hit me in the stomach. A physical force that has left me without breath and unable to move. Do nothing but just cry. The memories of Christmas past with my parents. When I was making the honey lebkuchen, the odors brought memories rushing back of all the wonderful German Christmas treats my mother had in the house. How my mother made Christmas such a special time for all of us. German Christmas songs and my father sang many of them.
Oh Mom, how I miss you. My memories of you are special and close to my heart. I am grateful that my children knew you and spent quality time with you. I am grateful for so many things. I know you are in a better place and I look forward to being with you again. But for right now, it just hurts so much. Especially with Opa and Roscoe gone. And my personal situation.
Mom, Opa and Roscoe. I miss you so much. This is a hard season to get through without you. Mom, please watch over Dad and your grandchildren and great-granddaughter. I love you all.